Better/Off

How do you react when your boss tells you (as a supervisor trainee) are more visibly doing your job that those who are already supervisors?

At first, I thought she was joking. Then, I suspected she was just flattering me and saying that to other supervisors she was talking too so that they would feel inspired to do more. And when I began to think about it more, I realized that she was right. After all, they were already secure with their jobs; I wasn't.

I've never really believed I was better than anyone else. I don't like comparing myself to others but that's really hard to do living with 70 billion people in the world. From the moment I was born until the day I was promoted to supervisor trainee, it's been re-affirmed time and time again. I am different; I am better. Not everyone but most people.

Maybe it's the experiences that I've had or the opportunities I've been given, but I know I'm not like most people. Whether it's the fact I speak English well or the kind of friends I have or my preference in food, I am different. I don't mean to be elitist; I don't mean to separate myself from the masses. Heck, I like to believe I'm normal, that I can fade into the hundreds of faces in a crowded street. But I can't help but realize that I'm apart from it.

I am not like the other people who toil 9 to 5 for a salary that barely meets my needs. I am not an avid watcher of soap operas. I do not eat adobo or sinigang or galungong on a regular basis. I have friends who are single and are looking to find love when most people our age are already married and having people.

And with this realization comes the questions: What have I been doing in my life? Why haven't I taken advatage of my opportunities? Where will I be 10, 20 years from now?

Sadly, the answer is I don't know. I feel guilty that I'm not living up to my full potential. I also don't know what that is. A politician? A businessman? A teacher? All I know is I'm supposed to be better than this. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. I guess I'll find out soon.