Annoyed, Not Afraid

Recently, I've been feeling a bit under the weather. For two days I was feeling feverish. I decided to stay at home rather than force myself to go to work as I was wont to do.

After that, when I thought everything was ok I had a severe headache as soon as I walked through the office door. That turned out to be a symptom of high blood pressure. So after a few hours at work, I went home and was absent for another day.

This is the longest I have been absent from work. Normally, it's just one day. Sometimes, I don't even mind the pain. I just blaze through it until the weekend where I can rest. People have been concerned and I thank them for it. But me, I'm more annoyed.

Okay, some people might be afraid. After all, high blood pressure is a sign of an impending heart attack. I had some of the symptoms too: nausea, pain in my left arm, migraine. But for me, all I could think of is, "Damn, I've been sick for 2 days already. Am I gonna be sick again?"

So I went to see a doctor who said it was too early to tell. And she didn't want to start me on medicines yet. So, she said to rest for a while. Which I have by staying at home and doing absolutely nothing. I hate to admit it but I was bored as hell.

What's worse, now that I'm feeling "better" every time I feel one of the symptoms of high blood pressure, I begin to be annoyed because I can't do what I want to do. Not afraid, mind you. Annoyed. As in I look at it as an incovenience more than anything else.

I've never been afraid of dying. Suffering before I die, yes. But not dying itself. Sometimes, when I feel unwell and I wonder if this is "it", I just mutter "Why don't You just get on with it and kill me?" As if my death would mean something to someone out there. As if my life actually has "meaning" and the world would be a darker place if I suddenly croaked.

But I don't; I'm forced to trudge along until I get better. And right when I try to be just a bit more healthy with my food choices.

You know, this world really is screwed up. It's a wonder we haven't gone insane and blown it to kingdom come.

Angry Man

I realized that I've been spending a lot of time being angry. Thinking about what could have been and what should have been. I get pissed off by a lot of things, mostly by what other people do. Not just strangers but friends and family as well. So far, I can name only a few who haven't pissed me off one way or another. And although I hold no grudge, I find it harder and harder to find a way to hide it or control it from bubbling to the surface.

There are a lot of things I wish I could change but can't. No, maybe "can't" is not the right word. Maybe won't or shouldn't is more appropriate. Simply because I don't want to get out of my comfort zone. I prefer the devil I know over the devil I don't know. And I'm too lazy to get myself out of the rut.

Shit. I really ought to get my ass in gear and get a 5 year plan set up.

A Year Later...

It's been a year and things have changed since my last blog entry.

My project has been realized. I am now a proud owner of a computer. Using the money I got from the stocks of my former company, I assembled a computer based on my own specifications. It's a thing of beauty, really. I call it "Midnight Son" because I stayed awake for a full 24 hours when I brought it home. I imagine that is what it would be like bringing my first-born home.

It has pretty much the latest in specs at the time it was built which was February of this year. I bought it as a birthday present, you see. Anyway, I'll give you the specs:

CPU: Intel Core i5 750
MB: ASUS P7P55D
GPU: Inno3D GTX 260 OC 216SP

Everything else is pretty generic. But all together, it's special because it's mine and it runs everything buttery smooth. It doesn't take me long to boot up and I can put the resolution up to max without missing a beat. I made a good choice though some would say it was overkill.

I've also found a new job. I started last December. It pays well - after all - I don't mind staying a little longer to finish what needs to be done. The people are more like me though I don't like the fact it's growing too quick. But then, that's what happens to all successful companies.

Still not a millionaire but I'm working on that. I think my family and friends would be pretty happy if I do. Hahaha! More than me, I think. Money, after all, is a means to an end. And the value of it is in the spending. I don't have that many wants so I'll probably end up spending it for other people. I do like to see those close to me happy.

So that's it for now. I think I'll be adding a few more articles here nowadays. I need a form of release. It gets easier once I manage to start.

The Chronicle of Buying a New Computer, Part 1

Some time earlier this year, I decided to start a project: I wanted to buy my own PC. I had already bought my laptop a year ago. It can pretty much run any game from circa 2006 and before. But I was becoming envious of my friends being able to run the latest games while I was stuck with Red Alert 2 and Warcraft 3 (the latter had to be at the lowest setting as possible).

Unlike a PC where you could pretty much remove and install new and better components whenever you had the budget for it, laptops aren't as flexible. The only thing you could really improve is the RAM. And although it made my laptop run faster than before, it still isn't enough for me.

We have an old computer, a Pentium 4 that we bought 5 years ago. It's still faster than some computers I've used at the office which are dual core PCs. But I wanted MY own computer, bought with MY own money and has all the features I want. It's pretty much the same reason I bought my laptop. Because I didn't want anyone else using it but me.

See, our old computer - let's call her Sally (it was the first name that popped in my mind) - was a wreck. We don't know what happened but she just wouldn't turn on. Before she stopped working, she made this weird clicking and whirring sound that I hadn't heard before before she finally gave up and...died.

Well, she didn't really die. She just needed a transplant. Turns out, her motherboard got fried. So we bought her a new one that caused one major incident - it stopped working. Good thing the store replaced it, no questions asked.

It took almost 6 months for that to happen because all the computer stores we went to told us they didn't have a compatible motherboard for a Pentium 4, LGA 775 socket.

It turns out they didn't know shit. It turns out that almost ANY motherboard that has a LGA 775 socket can run our processor if they had bothered to read the manual that came along with it. It turns out I know more about computers than they do.

See, I had actually done some research. I acutally read up on processors, motherboards and GPUs. I actually looked up what chipsets do and who makes them. I bothered to read articles on what teraflops, clockspeeds and die-size were and how they affected performance.

And that, my dear reader, is one of the most important lesson in buying anything:

Do your research. Find out what you want and look for the product that has it. Make comparisons so you know which is more value for your money. Finally, ask questions and find out who knows more than you do.

Because you're the one who is going to end up paying for it. Literally.

Season of Turns

It's been a while since I've written here. I usually write on impulse because I find that words flow more easily when I do. When something hits me, I can't let it go until I've given people my two cents. Not that I care about who reads it but I have to put it out there.

There's been a lot of things going on since my last entry. Things that have changed me; my family and friends have noticed it. I can't really point out what it was but I do have some ideas.

It all began at work. Well, most of my issues usually start at the office. Recently, a lot of changes have been going on that have made working at my current company...difficult. So difficult, in fact, I've taken steps to look for another job. I've only been with my current company for 8 months but I don't feel like I belong there.

Don't get me wrong, I like the people I work with. Well, most of them. But the recent changes make me wonder why I'm working for people who don't seem to know what they are doing. No, that's not precisely true. They know WHAT they are doing, they just DON'T CARE about the consequences of their actions. Mainly, who gets the pick up the pieces.

But the fact is, no matter how hospitable they are, I so out of place. The culture is different from what I had experienced in my previous line of work; I feel that I am at a disadvantage there. Professionally, I don't think they like me very much. I don't want to talk about the specifics because I feel that it is...unethical for me to do so. But I think you get the idea.

The other thing that happened was looking at my paycheck and finding it...insufficient for my needs. The truth is, I took a significant pay-cut when I took my job. I thought that I would be earning the same amount as before after I got regularized but it turns out I didn't even get more than a thousand pesos.

I've been penny-pinching a lot. I've skipped lunch most of the time and have forgone eating out with my friends. I've started budgeting my money - which is a good thing - but it just shows how low my salary is for the work that I do and the trouble it causes me.

Now, I'm resorting to other means to supplement my income. I've thought of selling some of my old stuff but there just isn't anything worth putting on sale. Unlike my brother who likes to buy gadgets that can be sold again, I don't have anything like that. I have books and comics but that's about it. I've checked eBay and found that they don't really sell for anything.

So I've applied online for a job as a writer. I don't know what that's going to get me but I do hope it's something I can do and earn some money on. It would be nice for it to tide me over, especially if I decide to quit my current job.

I've also started betting on the lottery. I thought to myself, if some stranger can win it big, why not me? I pretty much know what I'll spend that money on: my family, my friends and myself.

I've also gotten obsessed with getting a new PC. It's part of the reason why I've started looking to get more money. I think I've pretty much started bothering people with questions about FSB, G-stepping and DDR3. If you don't know what I'm talking about, don't hit yourself over the head. I didn't know what those things meant a month ago.

Well, there you have it. My first three months of 2009. Enjoy!

My Pillow, My Chocolate Chip, My Fudge

...I'm running out of things to call you.

Pretty soon, you'll be my everything. :)

Why do Relationships Fail?

Sam and I had an interesting conversation the other day. It's a common topic: why do relationships fail. We both agreed that communication is the key and that by not talking about what people want in a relationship, they end up making mistakes that ruin it.

But the question is, why don't people want to talk things out? I believe it's because people are afraid. Talking can lead to honesty and honesty leads to vulnerability. People, for the most part, don't like being vulnerable because they get hurt, more often than not.

It's also about pride. To have that "conversation" means that there is something wrong and that's something most people would not want to admit. They don't want to think that they or their partner might be doing something wrong. They'd prefer to live in ignorant bliss than admit that what they have is less than perfect.

But just because relationships are not perfect, it doesn't mean that they can't work. You just have to understand whether or not it's worth the effort of maintaining. There are some relationships that are harmful for you but there are those that help you grow. And just because the relationship stops or changes, it doesn't mean that it failed.

A lot of us have a preconception of what a relationship is or how it should work. Take romantic relationships. A lot of us want our significant other to be our everything and vice-versa. Yet, have you ever really thought what that means? It means making that person depend on you. What happens when you go away or when the relationship works? What happens to your everything?

I'm not saying it's wrong. I'd congratulate any couple who could be each other's everything and stay together. But I've realized how much you are depriving that person of who they are by wanting to be so integral to their lives. Wouldn't you rather see that person live and grow and be everything he or she was meant to be? To be connected and yet be two separate beings?